So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
