i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
