Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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