the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Found your dick twin last night
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
All I want is dick and wine.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
