The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
