I feel like abortions should bother me more
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
