I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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