You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
