i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
