I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
