i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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