You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
