Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
