Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
