just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
