He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
