i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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