dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just googled if crying burns calories
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
