I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize