The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
