Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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