I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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