HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
