but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
