Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
