i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
you had me at cake vodka
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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