my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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