I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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