So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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