Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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