My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
NoShamevember. You game?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
