awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
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