I murdered the dance floor call the cops
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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