his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Enjoy the penises
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize