I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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