I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Come see our sink grown plant.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
