Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
