i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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