You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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