I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
tell me about the eggs
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
