1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
we have officially lost it.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
