Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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