While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
