My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
