Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
So squirting runs in the family.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
