Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
