this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
