i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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