I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
