I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize