Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
