I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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