I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
