well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize