my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
