I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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