I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
