Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
